How parents should react to a child coming out

By Nicola Menke Oct 6, 2011, 3:06 GMT

Berlin - Parents can be forgiven for beginning to wonder about their children's sexual orientation when a lesbian singer is their daughter's idol or when their son seems to care only about football players.

Are these types of behaviours a harmless passing fancy or a sign of homosexuality? Experts advise parents, who often don't know how to interpret such signals, to wait until the child makes his or her own statement.

There are a number of prominent gays and lesbians - the recently re-elected mayor of Berlin, for example, is gay and the prime minister of Iceland is a lesbian - and same-sex love is no longer a behind-closed-doors matter.

When it comes into one's own environment, however, it can often feel different.

'For parents it can be very difficult to come to terms with the homosexuality of their child,' says Sven Norenkemper of a German association called Coming Out Day. The reasons sometimes are nothing more than common prejudices such as the belief that men hate lesbians or that gays die of AIDS. Destroyed hopes of grandchildren also can play a role. The children themselves often beat around the bush out of fear that their outing could be taken negatively.

'Beyond the fear that their parents might not accept their homosexuality there is concern that they perhaps will be loved less or that because of it there will be a break in the relationship,' says Norenkemper. When children are young and their contact to their parents is still close, the psychological pressure is especially great as well as the likelihood of secretiveness.

'It is completely normal when young people keep their homosexuality initially to themselves until they are clear with it,' said Andre Sandmann of an initiative that provides advice to homosexuals. 'If they suppress it for a long time, it can lead to severe mental problems.'

Therefore, parents who suspect their child is homosexual should follow certain rules in how they conduct themselves. Any hints or tips that the child makes should not be ignored because they might have been intentional, says Sandmann. This could be as subtle as a brochure about sexuality left lying around or the child showing obvious interest in parents' opinions of homosexuality after viewing a film in which the subject is broached.

'Some children simply don't have the courage to say something and hope that they will be approached about it,' says Sandmann.

It is also often the case that a son or daughter can think of nothing more unpleasant than when their parents try to get involved in their private life.

'If that is the case and they are spoken to directly about their sexual orientation, it can take them by surprise and cause them to close themselves off,' says Loni Bonifert of the German association of parents, friends and relatives of homosexuals. It's best to handle it cautiously and when in doubt simply be approachable. This means parents should make clear to their children that they have an open ear for their questions or for their problems.

'By saying something like, 'I have the feeling something is on your mind. If you like you can talk with me about it anytime',' is one way to open a discussion, says Bonifert. Bridges that make it easier for young people to open up can also be built through positive signals.

A newspaper article about a same-sex couple could present an opportunity for a parent to say he or she personally finds nothing wrong with it. Of course, some parents are shocked over the possibility that their child could be gay. If that is the case, the family should pull back from the topic until they have more information.

It is advisable for those fathers and mothers who have a problem with it to seek more information, says Sandmann. This is a way to dispel prejudices and create an understanding that there is nothing bad about same-sex lifestyles. It also helps prepare parents a bit more for their child's coming out.

When young people begin to recognize their sexual orientation, emotions often run high. Sometimes parents feel they have been confronted with an uncomfortable reality and get carried away by making accusations or unhelpful comments. The best reaction is to stay calm, listen patiently and find out whether the child is coming to terms with the situation.

If this is difficult, they should keep two things in mind: The fact that the child turned to his or her parents is a sign of confidence in them, and also that the consequences of an uproar over a child's coming out could be a shattering of the relationship that lasts a long time.