Peering behind the facade - figuring out what others are thinking

By Nicola Menke Aug 11, 2011, 3:06 GMT

Cologne - A friend is thrown for a loop over nothing, while stress seems to bounce right off a particular colleague at work. This is how it can look, but behaviour can often be misjudged.

It's often hard to know what is really going on with someone, especially when they act as if they are contended and outwardly happier than they really are.

Psychologists say to get behind the facade that people sometime put up to mask pain, anguish or just a bad mood, it helps to read their body language and sometimes to ask delicately what is going on in their head. Other examples are when a colleague is afraid of the boss, a sister is unable to cope with her children or a friend feels neglected.

Why do people hide behind the facade? Are they playing a game with the people around them or are the people around them just not looking closely enough?

'Basically, it is a fact that hardly anyone always lays open all of his or her feelings,' said Peter Gross of Germany's association of psychologists. The tendency to conceal feelings is much more common. People cover up their bad moods in order not to spoil a party or to appear to be a tower of strength.

'Often this pretense arises from the wish to behave in a socially desirable way or to fulfill expectations based on one's role - for example, as the always stable and dependable colleague,' said Dieter Frey, a professor of social psychology at the University of Munich.

To what extent the masquerade can be seen through depends not only on whether the affected person is a good actor, but also on what the people around him are like.

'Just as there are differences in people's ability to pretend, there also are differences in the way people's intuition has been shaped,' said Frey.

'You can train your sensibilities,' said Fritz Strack, psychology professor at the University of Wuerzburg. To ensure success when trying to look behind the facade it is important to direct one's full attention on the subject. 'It is imperative to observe the person's behavior as well as his or her facial expressions and gestures,' he said. Also key is listening to exactly what the person says.

With the help of subtle cues - small, often subconscious, signals - it is possible to draw inferences as to what is occupying the thoughts of a person who seems closed or cagey. A tense posture in someone who claims to be completely calm indicates that they actually are not.

Aside from nonverbal hints there often are changes or peculiarities in a person's behaviour that indicate something is bothering them. These include the use of monosyllabic words, social withdrawal, irritability and an obvious decline in output.

When someone has a hunch that someone they know is struggling internally with something and wants to know what it is, he should approach it carefully.

'Making differentiated observations is recommended. For example, what conditions make a person erupt, when does he become sensitive and when is he silent?' Frey said. This is the way to develop an idea about what is bothering the person.

When only suspicion remains despite all efforts to detect a problem, it helps to simply ask. The best way is to go about it calmly and diplomatically and signal one's interest in the other person's welfare. Starting with a statement such as, 'I am worried about you because lately you've seemed distant,' is a good way to open a discussion.