Strategies to prevent a friendship getting claustrophobic

By Sabine Maurer Aug 4, 2011, 3:06 GMT

Hamburg - In the age of Facebook the word 'friend' has almost lost its meaning. It's not unusual to have hundreds of 'friends' in a social network, most of whom are actually unknown. The number of true friends the average person has is actually much smaller. 'Most people have a maximum of three friends,' says the psychotherapist Michael Schellberg.

But what is a friend? 'A friend is someone who knows you and likes you despite that,' is one common definition. Schellberg defines friendship as an 'exclusive relationship' and as 'rational love'. Friends support each other, are loyal and reliable. A friendship promotes positive characteristics and helps a person develop their personality.

'A friend is someone with whom you spend time and have shared experiences,' adds Christa Roth-Sachenheim, a psychotherapist and chairwoman of Germany's Association of Psychiatrists.

Friendship is also about taking on responsibilities that vary from relationship to relationship. That could mean the ritual Sunday lunch meet-up, a regular exchange of experiences or the daily telephone chat -- even while on holiday. 'A friendship can have many rituals. They provide security and ease fears, especially in an age like ours,' says Professor Ulrich Voderholzer, a consultant psychotherapist and director of the Schoen Clinic in Prien, Bavaria.

Most people can be contacted around the clock. Almost everyone can send and receive a text message or email and can say who they have just met and what they have done. In some instances that 'can' turns into a 'must'. It has become difficult to take a step back from a friendship without good reason. But if you need more time for yourself, or you don't want to keep some elements of a friendship, you should be in the position to tell that to a good friend.

'If a conversation like that does not work, then there's a problem in the relationship,' says Roth-Sackenheim. Schellberg agrees: he says everyone should strive to be open -- even in less close friendships.

Schellberg says following a diplomatic line is the wrong course to take. 'You don't have to think that you must always keep in your friend's good books. That will only lead to false hopes,' he says. White lies and avoiding conflict will only lead to more conflict. It's much better to be able to calmly express your opinion. 'You need to know what you want. No-one has been put on this earth to please everyone else.' Roth-Sackenheim, on the other hand, thinks white lies do have their uses among friends. 'They're a good way of keeping face,' she says.

Professor Voderholzer advises sticking to what he calls 'the basic rules of communication'. Voicing criticism is not a good way of going about things. A much better tactic is to send what he calls I-messages and to explain your own feelings. For example: try using sentences such as 'I don't feel I'm being respected' or 'I don't feel good about this situation'.

It can get difficult in a relationship when things start to feel too confined or under control. 'Friendship is based on trust. Control is a sign of insecurity,' says Voderholzer. People like that often feel the friendship is under threat if the regular weekly meeting is cancelled or if another person gets talked about a lot. They call often and want to know everything that has happened. This type of control can even develop into an illness and become chronic.

'That can be extremely bad for a relationship,' says Voderholzer. His advice in a situation like that is to talk it over with your friend.