When Mom and Dad fight - explaining arguments to children

By Julia Kirchner Jul 14, 2011, 4:06 GMT

Berlin - When mommy and daddy fight, it can threaten a child's sense of security and make him wonder whether he is to blame for the problems.

Therefore, family counselors and psychologists say open discussion of fights and conflict between parents is better than trying to cover up the strife. Otherwise, children could draw the wrong conclusion when they see their mother sitting at the breakfast table with an icy expression and their father hiding behind the newspaper.

The experts says parents should recognize that when a couple gets into a shouting match at home and the children hear harsh words and slamming doors, it actually presents an opportunity to teach the children something, if parents follow a few rules.

Parents often try to pull themselves together and to cover up tensions between them. But that doesn't work in every conflict and there's nothing essentially wrong with that.

'Children must find things out in this way. It communicates to them that it's part of life,' said Susanne Egert, a psychotherapist in Germany. It is important for parents to signal to their children that even though they have a difference of opinion, they still love each other.

The ideal time to work through a conflict is when children are not around. However, when a heated discussion arises in the presence of the children, it's not always possible to steer it away from the entire family. If children overhear the discussion, parents should talk with them about it afterwards.

'This seems to relieve them. They then have the chance to ask questions,' said Karin Jacob, a counselor at a family centre in Berlin.

Children always will be concerned about a fight between their parents. Mom and Dad therefore shouldn't wait until their children raise the subject. Otherwise, children will reach the wrong conclusion or begin to think that it was about them, Egert said.

When it's not possible to have the argument at a time and place where children cannot hear it, parents should consider the tone they use and try to speak eye-to-eye with each other.

'Children should learn that in a fight certain boundaries should not be overstepped,' said Egert. 'This means showing respect for the other party and allowing him speak his mind.'

Jana Frey, author of a book about fights between parents, said it's particularly inappropriate when children are drawn into an argument between Mommy and Daddy. Frey said in no case should any party be taken hold of or grabbed. Making a child be a messenger - 'tell Daddy I said ... ' - is also taboo, she added. 'But you can be truthful if you say, 'Now I am really angry,'' she said.

Parents should also recognize that certain subjects are not appropriate for children's ears. Just as name-calling and expressions that hit under the belt should not be used, the same goes for implications about the family's financial situation, a separation and problems in the bedroom.

Knowing how to fight, however, only solves half the problem. What is almost more important is being able to reconcile. Children often don't know about this because it occurs in the bedroom or it is never made into a topic of discussion.

But a reconciliation between couples should be made clear, especially to young children. For example, Mommy and Daddy can put their arms around each other and show the child they are getting along again. Frey said a simple statement such as 'we reached an agreement' can be used on children over age 9.

No-one is proud to have lost their composure in a fight, but to enforce a rule of silence in the home about a fight between Mom and Dad is the wrong approach. Parents should therefore accept that children will discuss trouble between their parents while at their grandparents or at school.