By Hazel Parry Feb 11, 2007, 8:17 GMT
Hong Kong - Had Joseph Dobbie or 'Sloppy Joe' as he became known all over the world, chosen a pen rather than a computer to woo the girl of his dreams, he would have remained in happy obscurity.
None other than Kate Winsall, a girl he met briefly at a party, would have read his 516-word epistle promising to keep her smile in his heart 'for moments when I need a smile of my own.'
Unfortunately, Dobbie, a web designer from London, chose a keyboard to declare his love for Winsall and, 'ping,' he sent it by e-mail.
Winsall read it, probably blushed, and sent it to her sister. Her sister added the words, 'How not to ask a girl out' in the subject field and, 'ping,' sent it to a few of her friends.
The friends sent it to their friends, and within days, Dobbie's private missive had gone global. Tens of thousands of people read Sloppy Joe's romantic ramblings. Some felt pity, some felt empathy, some were touched while others cringed, laughed and, 'ping,' sent it on to their contacts.
What Dobbie did was dangerous, according to e-mail etiquette expert Judith Kallos, who advises personal restraint and discretion - two things many onliners appear to be lacking - when committing emotions to e-mails.
Kallos, author of the book, Because Netiquette Matters, said Dobbie made one big mistake: He trusted Winsall and thought his private thoughts were safe with her.
'Only put in e-mails what you wouldn't mind being forwarded to anyone and everyone,' Kallos said. 'Many onliners, like the girl in this case, are not to be trusted. That said, I've run into situations where folks thought they could trust the recipient and the same thing happened.'
The problem, Kallos said, is that unlike letters, e-mail is just too easy and tempting to forward. And although in the United States, e-mails are protected by copyright, which means posting someone else's e-mails can land you in trouble, most internet-users the world over see e-mail as being something less private than a letter.
But sending love letters has always been a risky business, even before e-mailing. History is littered with examples of suitors - famous and not so famous - who trusted their emotions to pen and paper and lived to regret it.
Even royalty is not immune. Diana, princess of Wales, reportedly penned 64, so far unpublished, letters to her lover James Hewitt, which are said to be worth an estimated 18 million dollars.
But does that mean we should ditch the love letter? 'Absolutely not,' said psychologist Dr Lisa Matthewman of Britain's University of Westminster.
Even if the relationship fails, old letters can be more than just sentimental reminders of a love that never lasted, she said.
'Letters from friends, love letters, birthday cards - they're all part of your history,' she said. 'They can be painful and disturbing if you haven't been able to move on, but for most people, they are quite character-building.
'You might have learnt something from that relationship, and a letter can be a useful tool to reflect on what you learnt.'
In addition, the love letter has a vital role to play in courtship and building a relationship, especially in the early - or so-called honeymoon - stage.
'This stage is characterized by lots of romantic gestures such as letter writing,' said Matthewman, who is currently researching the subject of romance and sex in the workplace. 'This is when you are wooing your partner, when you are trying to ascertain their commitment and get them to stay interested.'
'People find it easier to express their emotions on paper,' the psychologist said, 'and in the age of new tech, when it is so easy to text, e-mail, talk on the phone, a letter, although old-fashioned is considered very romantic.'
However, there are occasions when you should not use letters to convey emotions, Matthewman said. Ditching someone is one such occasion. Likewise, you are also treading on dangerous ground, if you follow Sloppy Joe's lead and write deep, meaningful things when you don't really know the recipient.
'Relationships usually have to take the normal route,' Matthewman said. 'They start with friendship, body language, eye contact. You have to get a rapport going first.'
'To use a letter to make the first approach suggests that person has got issues with emotional communication and communication in general,' she said. 'A letter could be seen as a gesture of romance, but it could also been seen as a joke.'
When it all boils down, Matthewman, like Kallos, said trust is the important factor with love letters both in the written and the e-mail form.
'Joseph was playing with fire really,' Matthewman said. 'Using e- mails and text to facilitate flirting is a part of life now. E-mail is a very flirtatious device, but as with letters, there has to be some degree of trust and intimacy with the person you send them to.
'If you come on to someone who is not interested, they might abuse the situation and you could find yourself the office joke or worse, it could even get you into trouble.'
Kallos also advised caution but agreed that if the feelings are mutual, the love letter should always have a place in romance - with the written rather than e-mail missive being the best format.
'I am old-fashioned and believe that certain things cannot be replaced by e-mail, such as condolence cards, thank-you notes and possibly love letters,' Kallos said.
'That said, I've seen some romantic writings online,' she added, 'so it can be done. One just has to be sure that the person you are sending it to will appreciate your feelings.
'That is why I recommend that before sending an emotionally charged e-mail, you wait until the next morning and then send it, ... but only if you still feel the same way.'
Your Talkback on this Story