DVD Reviews
DVD Review: Teeth
By Jeff Swindoll
May 8, 2008, 11:52 GMT

Every man’s fear comes to the screen as one gal discovers that she’s got a set of teeth in her vagina.  At first she’s horrified but then she discovers that it gives her some power and she’s not about to let her new bite go to waste.

Dawn (Jess Weixler) is a dedicated girl.  She gives inspirational speeches for the local abstinence group and appears to be a true believer in the program.  That is until new boy Tobey (Hale Appleman) enters the picture at a meeting and she and he start exchanges meaningful glances. 

Since he’s in the program she thinks that he’ll be a safe boy, but a round of heavy petting leads to the unthinkable - which leads to the even more unthinkable.  It seems that Tobey has already tasted the forbidden fruit and is in rehab (“I haven’t even beat off since Easter!”) and getting so close to Dawn causes him to want to fall off the wagon. 

Well, Dawn gets knocked out and Tobey decides to take advantage of the situation, but he bites off a little more than he can chew.  Perhaps it would be better to say that Tobey discovers that he’s been bitten. 

Dawn is the possessor of a mutant vagina with teeth and it makes short work of him (or even shorter work as the case may be).  Dawn is just as shocked as Tobey (well maybe not) because she wasn’t aware of her toothed condition and has to come to grips with what this means.  She finds herself in dire straits as her mother is ill, her stepbrother Brad (John Hensley) is a punk, and now her world is slowly being chewed apart. 

There’s a joke about a man whose father always told him that women had teeth “down there” and if he didn’t want himself bitten he better stay away.  Eventually the man does fall in love and gets married.  On the wedding night the man only kisses his wife goodnight and goes to sleep. 

After several nights of this his new wife is pretty frustrated and asks him why he doesn’t want to consummate their marriage.  He tells her what daddy told him, she laughs, and exposes the area in question to him in and says “see I told you I didn’t have teeth down there.”  He takes a look and says “well, with the condition of those gums I’m not surprised.”  [Insert rimshot here] 

The legend of the vagina dentata is used in many cultures to keep strapping young lads from having sex with strange women lest they find themselves coming up short.  Teeth examines this condition and updates it for modern times adding in some commentary about the abstinence movement.

Ironically it’s also handled with a great deal of taste (cough, cough) and we never have horror movie close-ups of the beast in question.  We do see one of the shark-like teeth (yikes!) and some severed members though. 

You have to hand it to Jess Weixler as she is great in the role and really shows Dawn as a true believer in the abstinence movement but then has to question every one of her beliefs as the film unspools.  It’s a really good performance. 

Some problems do arise in that it does take a bit for her to discover her mutation so the pacing seems a bit slow in the first half.  The second half veers towards comedy, but some men might not find it very funny at all.  All in all it’s a very interesting film.  

Teeth is presented in anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1) and is enhanced for 16x9 televisions.  Special features include a commentary from writer/director Mitchell Lichtenstein, the 28 minute “Behind-the-scenes of Teeth,” 4 minutes of deleted scenes (with optional commentary from Lichtenstein), the 2 minute trailer, and the 30 second TV spot.  

Teeth does have some bite (now how could I resist that one?) and as a black comedy goes it does score in the second half.  I would hope that women could be empowered without getting some dentures installed, but Jess Weixler gives a very good performance in the role of one that finds empowerment in her situation.  

Teeth is now available at Amazon. As of yet, there is not a release date for the UK. Visit the DVD database for more information.