Stan Helsing – DVD Review

“From the executive producer of Scary Movie” should be the only moniker on the box cover that should put fear into your hearts. I did a double take after watching the film and wondered if that should’ve read excrement producer.

Stan Helsing (Steve Howey) is a hapless video store clerk whose slacker philosophy is to not get involved. It is Halloween night and he’s going to go out with his pal Teddy (Kenan Thompson). Teddy has brought stripper Mia (Desi Lydic) along but he also brought Stan’s ex-girlfriend Nadine (Diora Baird) along for the ride.

It’s going to be a longer ride, as Stan has to drop off some videos at the mother of his boss. The group of friends gets trapped in Stormy Acre Estates after stopping at a karaoke diner and getting heckled by the abusive waitress Kay (Leslie Nielsen in drag with excuse to be abusive). It turns out that Stan is the descendent of Van Helsing and that they’ll only get out of the cursed estates if slacker Stan can defeat a cavalcade of movie monsters. Stan Helsing is not funny at all. The basis of a parody film should be that there are some laughs somewhere. I looked. I couldn’t find any. Not even Leslie Nielsen in drag could elicit a chuckle. I actually felt pretty sorry for him for being in this dreck. I probably shouldn’t feel bad since he probably skipped down to the bank, hope the check cleared Leslie. Even the parodies of horror movie icons don’t do much. Pinhead (head stuck full of things that aren’t pins), Michael Myers (in a Yakama), Jason (in full hockey regalia), Chucky (a short person dressed up in Chucky drag), and Freddy Krueger (a Flava Flav clock around neck with glove containing lipstick, toothbrush, and other grooming implements) all get the treatment.

It’s the kitchen sink approach as the filmmakers through every bad joke they can think of and hope that one of them sticks. They all slide down the wall and end up in a nasty, reeking mess. Everything about the film is mediocre and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. 80 minutes of so of my life wasted. Luckily I was able to make my brain work again by watching episodes of the Prisoner. Stan Helsing is presented in anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1) and is enhanced for 16x9 televisions. Special features include a commentary with writer/director/producer Bo Zenga (it’s his entire fault obviously), Kenan Thompson, and Desi Lydic. There’s also the 11 minute “Killer Parody” making of, 8 minutes of deleted, alternate, and extended scenes, 5 minutes of outtakes, a 2 minute trailer, and still and storyboard galleries. I’ve been tricked instead of treated. Stan Helsing is a bag of doo poo set alight on your front porch. You may think you’re saving your house from burning down, but all you end up with is shit on your shoe. That shit looks awfully like Stan Helsing.