Would someone please take Tim Allen aside and have a heart-to-heart talk with him about his so-called career? Yeah, it’s mean but someone needs to stop Mr. Allen before he lends his name to anymore children’s movies.
His latest foray is Zoom: Academy for Superheroes. Zoom is based on the novel ‘Amazing Adventures from Zoom’s Academy’ by Jason Lethcoe. The novel is innocuous, although the Harry Potter similarities are striking; and one is hard-pressed to guess how a simple book could become a cinematic carbuncle. The screenplay was developed by writers Adam Rifkin (best known for 1997’s Mousehunt and 1998’s Small Soldiers) and David Berenbaum (of Haunted Mansion infamy). Long-time director, Adam Rifkin (Garfield) was chosen for the dubious task of director.
The back-story is that Jack Shepard/Zoom (Tim Allen) and his older brother, Connor Shepard/Concussion (Kevin Zegers) were once leaders of an elite group of five superheroes. For some unexplained reason, the government wanted to experiment on the five and try to create…super-superheroes? And as with most government experiments, the Gamma-13 exposure which was to enhance their powers, went horribly wrong, leaving our hero Zoom (Allen) powerless and his brother Concussion a super-villain. Concussion then proceeded to kill the other members, except Zoom, before being banished to an alternate dimension.
Thirty-years later, our story picks-up with one of the original scientists, Dr. Grant (played by a Cheneyesque Chevy Chase), and the original project head, General Larraby (Rip Torn), discussing the impending arrival of Concussion from his banishment. Naturally, Concussion’s return will mean Armageddon or tornadoes-down-trailer-park-way for humanity. So the decision is made to assemble a new team of super-heroes to foil Concussion. And the search begins through middle and high-schools nation-wide for freaks, outcasts, and unusually handsome outsiders. This scouring invites dozens of children with questionable skills and gives the screenwriters the chance to hit the viewer with the first fart joke.
And what would a group of young super-heroes be without a washed-up, ex-super-hero as their leader? Thus, more “laughs” as the Gen. Larraby sends Drs. Grant (Chase) and Holloway (Cox), the latter in a slinky dress, to lure Zoom (Allen) from his ho-hum job as proprietor of Slow-Jack’s Race Track. I must admit that Tim Allen embodied the role of a has-been. He seemed to understand the thinking of someone that is all about a paycheck and nothing else. But just as Zoom is beginning to believe that there’s no purpose in life at all, the sexy yet clumsy Dr. Holloway (Cox) arrives to woo him back into the super-hero life.
Once Drs. Holloway (Cox) and Grant (Chase) get Zoom back to Area-52, he meets his young team: Dylan West/Houdini (Micheal Cassidy), the master of invisibility, Summer Jones/Wonder (Kate Mara), with the gift of telekinesis, Tucker Williams/Mega-Boy (Spencer Breslin), with the ability to expand at will and Cindy Collins/Princess (Ryan Newman), the cute little girl with super-strength. And let me not forget to mention that Dylan is our handsome but untamed teen heart-throb that is smitten by the lovely Summer Jones. That teen romance line seems to have become a standard for all children’s movies.
But once everyone is assembled at Area-52, the script abandons them there. Throughout the film, there is an unmistakable sense of plodding through mud or treading water. As a viewer, you know that there is an impending battle royale with Concussion. Within five-minutes of the opening credits, it’s quite clear that this good vs. evil showdown is the denouement. So why does the film drag so badly? Why in an 88-minute movie, do the characters remain in the same training area, doing the same things for 70-minutes of the film?!
There are a couple of reasons for the slowness. One, the story is flimsy and predictable. We know Concussion is coming; we know that Zoom doesn’t have his powers and doesn’t want to be part of the group; we know Zoom and loopy Dr. Holloway have romantic chemistry. We understand the “complexities” of the film but we are forced to continue dogpaddling in the stagnant pool of this movie. The second problem is that the entire middle of the film is buoyed by Allen’s tired jokes, Cox’s attempts at physical humor, and Chase’s hackneyed nutty-professor impersonation. One can’t help but to keep looking at the clock wondering when the film will end.
So what did I like about the DVD? The Zoom extras were interesting and included ‘The Making of Zoom’ and a ‘Guide for Kids.’ ‘The Making of Zoom’ is exactly what one would expect. There are interviews with Allen, Cox, Chase, and the kids, all saying what a wonderful experience they had making the film. There are also interviews with the technical folks who give some insights into the set designs and the CGI crew.
I’m a story buff so CG is usually a distraction for me, but in this case, I welcomed the graphics to avoid the dead storyline. The ‘Academy for Super-Heroes: Guide for Kids’ is meant to serve as public service announcements for kids. There are four spots featuring Ryan Newman/Princess about eating vegetables, exercise, safety, and sportsmanship.
What’s the final word on Zoom: Academy for Superheroes? Is it innocent? Yes. Is there a moral? Sure. Will your kids hear swearing or see nudity? Nope. Would I let my own kid see this? Probably not. I live with the thought that one day my son will be taking care of me and he might just remember enough of Zoom to make me regret that movie choice.
Zoom: Academy for Superheroes is now available for pre-order at Amazon for a Feb. 13th release. As of yet, there is not a release date for the UK. Visit the DVD database for more information.
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