Confessions of a MANswers addict

We all have shameful television habits that are probably better left not discussed. 

My guilty vice is a celebration of the sophomoric male-brained meanderings that idly wonder what amount of impact breast implants can withstand or where to take a bullet hit, just in case. 

Burning questions for some, and the producers of Spike’s energetically narrated “MANswers” delivers all the answers.  

It’s a trainwreck of silliness that is really hard to pull away from, trust me. 

The truly hilarious aspect of this show is the level of authority the segment producers get on record either proving or disproving a ridiculous myth or inane burning questions that apparently keeps the men folk up at night; things like lighting farts and breaking out of handcuffs are dissected by experts, physicists, biologists, doctors and law men who extoll the raw science behind the idiocy.

The results are always surprising.

Spike claims their “fast-paced series” works to satisfy the curiosity of men by asking the tough questions “only guys would appreciate” and taking the viewers on a wild ride to find out the answers.

There’s a strange smallscreen alchemy that occurs, locking in some of us women too. Mostly we like to keep abreast (yes, I used that word deliberately) and consider it research on how the enemy thinks.

In each episode, “MANswers” feature re-enactments, expert one-on-ones and man-on-the-street interviews to educate Spike viewers on the taboo topics in average dude-relatable terms. The barrage of trivia is presented in a fast-paced, irreverent manner and settles the score once and for all.

Things analyzed include a ton of boob-related queries, such as, “Do big boobs float?  Are women with fake boobs hornier? And where are the best whorehouses in America? How tough are boob implants? How do big boobs need to be to crush a can? And who has the world’s biggest boobs?”

For the bad boys they also uncover the COPS-type questions, such as “Can you beat the breathalyzer? And can a sword stop a bullet? How to beat a drug test! What is the best place to be shot? How can a guy spot a narc? How drunk can you get in one night before you die?  Can you make a living panhandling? Best human organ to eat?

Ineptitude, chronic horniness and bone-headed thoughts are squeezed in.  “How do you make a stripper your girl? What Smells Turn Girls on? How much is sperm worth? Find out how to get that Happy Ending! Find out how to take a punch!  Which girls are the best in bed? Can you fix a bitchy girlfriend?  How long can you survive on beer? What’s the smallest legal bikini? Is the Death Touch Real? How long can you survive outside a space suit?

The Spike network culls questions from their MANswers viewers for future episodes, and a few I found posted on the fan forum that reveal what we are dealing with:

Are there ANY side effects to (chronic) masturbation?

Are there really boobie-traps in ancient ruins, like in Indiana Jones?

What is the best way for a shy guy to become the life of the party?

Are there people with ‘special’ powers like the X-men? (telekinesis, healing powers)

Is there a Secret society that controls the world?

Don’t judge me; you probably watched “Pants Off Dance Off” or “The Moment of Truth” all summer.

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