Classic books have become subject to ‘literary liposuction’

Long books. Who needs 'em? Reading Moby Dick is great fun, except for all those parts about the whale. So British publisher Orion Books will publish this month a set of pared-down classics, cutting about 40 percent of what it calls “padding” from works like Anna Karenina, David Copperfield and yes, Moby Dick. This is a great idea because for those who always wanted to know what Dostoevsky would look like skinny, now we will finally know. Perhaps they could release the books in a collection, specifically his four major works: Crime and Punishment, The Idiot, The Possessed, and The Brothers Karamazov and call it Dostoevsky Diet: Four Major Works Just With Fewer Calories. Hey, it’s just a thought.
The New York Times asked some well-known authors what they thought of this idea, and M&C has culled from what it believes to be the best: Stephen King suggested the Bible, among others.
“Certainly the Bible could use cutting; think of all those begats, not to mention minor-league prophets such as Habbakuk (there isn’t even a car dealership named after him). What about Ulysses? All that tiresome stream of consciousness could go. And there is Gone With the Wind, which I would shorten to this:
“Civil War?” said Scarlett.
“Fiddle-de-dee!”
But Atlanta burned! Rhett left!
“I will think about it tomorrow,” said Scarlett, “for tomorrow is another day.” That’s so good you could probably fit Dombey and Son in the same edition. Or shorten Tess of the D’Urbervilles to a National Enquirer headline:
UNFORTUNATE GIRL SLEEPS THROUGH RAPE, IS LATER HUNG.”
Neil Pollack offered, “I would cut say 80 percent of The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks and turn it into the greeting card that it was meant to be.” Joyce Carol Oates suggested, “I can suggest Ernest Hemingway. There’s much too much smoking, drinking, fishing and hunting in Hemingway, and it could all be cut out. If that is cut out about 70 percent of Hemingway would go. And let’s say Jane Austen: too many descriptions of furniture and balls and ballroom gowns. I’m sure I could think of many other titles that would benefit from being cut, including some of my own.”
Well, ditto here Joyce. I’ve decided to offer my own revision of the great Steinbeck classic The Grapes of Wrath. Way too much dust. What was John thinking? So here is M&C’s version, which is better:
Tom Joad: “Wow, it’s pretty dusty out there grandpa.”
Grandpa: “Yep.”
Tom Joad: “Hey, why don’t we go on a trip?”
Rose of Sharon: “Anybody hungry?”
THE END
You Tube editions of this ‘dry’ classic will most likely be released someday, enhanced with music by Oasis.