"One of the most celebrated and controversial authors in America delivers his first novel..." That is the publisher's blurb for James Frey's new novel Bright Shiny Morning , and the blurb instantly adds a new lie to the career of America's most truth-afraid writer. The lie, of course, is that this isn't Frey's first novel. After all, his "celebrated" memoir A Million Little Pieces was reportedly first written as a novel. But depending on whom you believe, either Frey or his publisher retooled the story of his supposed descent through alcoholic and drug abuse hell into a memoir. Only after selling millions of copies and being selected by Oprah Winfrey's book club was the memoir discovered to be a piece of crapola deposited by a lying sack of the same. So what's an author to do after Oprah has publicly humiliated you on national TV, and your readers have filed a class-action lawsuit against you? Why you slap together another book, make sure to call this one fiction, and then cash out another $1.5 million advance. Welcome to James Frey's Bright Shiny Morning . Most reviewers haven't been too kind to this novel. David L. Ulin of the Los Angeles Times said "Bright Shiny Morning is a terrible book. One of the worst I've ever read." Deirdre Donahue in USA Today said the "messy" novel reveals "a massive literary ego in full, flourishing bloom" as the book spouts "bad prose, predictable plot turns, and one-dimensional characters." And even those reviewers who liked the novel probably did more harm than good, such as when Janet Maslin wrote her New York Times "love letter" of a review in the style of Frey's novel. Doing so thrust her into literary history by becoming the first reviewer whose praise for a novel actually made no one want to read the book. So as I sat down to write my own review of Frey's Bright Shiny Morning , I wondered what tack to take. And that's when it hit me: No one had written a liar's review of Frey's new novel. After all, if Frey and his publisher can lie about this being his first novel, why can't I lie about having read the book? So here is a review of a novel I haven't read. Or maybe I did read it. Or maybe I'm just standing in the bookstore writing crib notes to make you think I read the book. Or maybe I bought the book, flipped through it, then plan to let my dog play with it for a while before returning it for a refund so I can mess up the financials of both Frey and his publisher. That's the great thing about being a liar. Your readers have no clue when you're telling the truth and when you're running so far from the truth you forget the word even begins with a 'T.' So without further ado, here's my liar's review of James Frey's Bright Shiny Morning : * Ooh! Big, hefty book. Feels really substantial. * Lots of white space in this sucker. Got to admire an author who gets paid $1.5 million for mixing a few words with lots of air. * Nice disclaimer up front: "Nothing in this book should be considered accurate or reliable." Bet that will stop people from filing any more class action suits against Frey. * The word "porn" is in the book. And "alcoholic." And "drugs." And "child star." Thank God I'm picking those words out at random because if they were all in one sentence I'd get worried about where Frey was going with this story. * Has Frey ever actually used a comma or quotation mark? * Whoa. Frey has created a Latina character named Esperanza. That's Spanish for hope. Frey is so culturally sensitive. He may be a liar, but he's a sensitive one.
* People from Los Angeles are going to love his portrayal of their city. After all, this book captures the true essence of LA as a place where both the rich and poor screw their brains out before murdering each other in a bloodbath. * Just for the record, Frey should learn how to pronounce "cliche." This will save him time when responding to future interview requests about his writing. And all that's just from the first ten pages of Bright Shiny Morning . I can't wait to actually dive into this book. To feel myself transported to a magical realm where fiction is truth and truth is fiction. Or maybe I'll just use this book to prop up the wobbly leg of my desk. Ah, so much better. I can now type "I'll be surprised if people actually buy this book" without the keyboard shaking all over the place. And here I thought nothing Frey wrote would ever be worth a damn. Just goes to show even lying reviewers can be wrong.
Read more of Jason: http://www.jasonsanford.com/
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