Posted by April MacIntyre Jul 31, 2011, 19:13 GMT
Dear Hugh Hefner,
Stop already - Hugh Hefner, Anna Sophia Berglund - Karma Foundation's 6th Annual Kandyland Event At The Playboy Mansion - The Playboy Mansion - Holmby Hills, CA, USA © richard shotwell / PR Photos
You are an American success story, and an entrepreneur who has turned an empire built on female flesh over to your adept and highly capable daughter Christie Hefner, who has preserved and built the brand out even further.
And for that ironic twist, you totally rock in my book.
I don't know if you got the memo, but after the age of, let's say 70, most people really are not interested in hearing the ins and outs of geriatric sex, regardless if you are "doing it twice a week" or not.
That's not to say a person over 70 can't be called sexy. We look to Raquel Welch, Sophia Loren, Ernestine_Shepherd and Mimi_Kirk and see sexy vibrant women, but we aren't going to go there for the intimate details of their sex lives. We're just thrilled when we see people in that age bracket in good health with their teeth intact.
You have discovered social media in a big way, and your tweets: 'I have sex on a weekly basis' makes you look defensive, small and reactionary. You do realize that Crystal Harris, the women you nearly married, is an uneducated opportunist (allegedly) who is trying to stay relevant by throwing anything out there to catch a headline? You should have better advisors. Let her die on the media vine.
This is the time in your life when you should be hanging out with other 80+ year-olds, like Jerry Lewis, who's still pretty funny, and Don Rickles, even Joan Rivers.
You and Joan would be a banging couple! She would have you in the good kind of stitches.
But please, stop telling us about how much sex (if any) you are having.
I was recently at your Playboy Mansion for the Television Critics' Association party, and I noticed that the drive up road was in terrible disrepair; your driveway needs to be redone, and it seemed like an episode of "Hoarders" looking into some of the shuttered drape covered windows with items jammed up against the glass.
The pool needs replastering too.
So get busy Hef, hang with a better crowd who are of your level, and stop wasting the precious time you have left throwing pearls at swine.
Love,
Monsters and Critics
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